a recent comment made me remember that I have this site.......

and because i know no one reads it, i can let off some emotion.... Dealing with a long goodbye is somewhat easy when it's your grandparents you're saying goodbye to. Once they get to a certain age you just understand that each visit very well could be the last. You may tear up as you leave, but you know they've had a good long life and that we all have to leave this world behind at some point. It's not so easy when a disease takes away a loved one before you're ready to let them go. Dad was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer just before Thanksgiving last year. He's a 67 year old man who's disliked doctors his whole life, and therefore avoided them. I can't recall him going to the doctor when I was growing up. That continued well into his years, obviously, when I learned that the first time he got a colonoscopy was when he'd already had blood in his stool for 4 months, and the bowel movements became rarer. scans showed it had spread to his liver and lungs. doctors gave him 4-24 months. with chemo treatment, the latter was more likely. but Dad held off on the chemo treatment, preferring to do everything through natural means. He changed his diet and began losing weight. He began having regular bowel movements, and there hasn't been any blood in his stool. However the spots on his liver and lungs have spread. About a week or two ago he finally began his chemo pill. Hoping for the best. Leaving him this Christmas was difficult. He broke down as we left and it made me even more afraid for him. I can't stand thinking of him being scared to die like this, especially when I'm so far away that I can't be there, in person, to help. To spend time with him. To make sure that there is no doubt how much we mean to each other.